


Substitute

by Solidsnail



Category: Silent Hill (Video Game Series)
Genre: Existential Crisis, Light Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Silent Hill 4: The Room - Freeform, Silent Hill: Downpour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 20:40:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14245311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solidsnail/pseuds/Solidsnail
Summary: With the growth of the Pendleton/Townshend relationship, there was much Henry was able to reflect upon.And even more to fear.





	Substitute

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Nate. If it hadnt been for you I wold have never picked up the keyboard and found the strength to finish this. Thank you.
> 
> Namby, your dedication for this fandom warms my heart.
> 
> Frosty, your support is more than I could ever ask of.
> 
> Gloria, Your presence is what makes my day a little easier on the Internet
> 
> Nilla, I couldnt have asked for a better person to get to know first who shared their love for this with me.
> 
> Em, there is not much I could say that you already don´t know. And I think anything else would be too personal to put them in some notes of a rather rushly ended and inconsistend piece of writing. The stars might make me feel a little less lost, when I know you would hold my hand.

Henry believed he knew what he was.

Mabye a part of him had always known. The dream that had started with Murphy, one day appearing in his apartement, completely out of the blue, had been too good to be true.  
Too good to last the way it was. No matter how much Henry wished for it.

He sighed as he put down the empty coffeecup after taking a last sip out of it. From the room over, he heard the muffled sound of the shower Murphy was taking. He himself had just finished, shown by the towel wrapped over his shoulders, catching the small droplets of water falling down from his still damp hair. 

Looking back at early times, things had started so tame and slow. Kind words, long conversation at the kitchen counter, a hand on his arm. Subtle and comforting.   
Henry appreciated having a companion who shared the same expierience. For years he had kept the burden that was Silent Hill and everything surrounding it, swept under a rug. Buried as deep as he could, so Walter Sullivan would never surface in his thoughts again. At least not when he had the control over it.  
And there it had been. Weighing on him everyday. On his actions, his additude. Sometimes he couldnt even remember the person he had been before.

Lazyly putting the cup into the half full sink, not feeling like doing the dishes now, Henry made his way back to the bedroom. Slow and soft steps, For a second he stopped at the bathroom door to lean his head on the wall and listen to the water, hitting the tubs bottom and a distinct familiar humming somewhere inbetween. He smiled.

But then Murphy happened. Unexpectidly, Henry found a glimpse of happiness in the room that had caused him so much suffering, standing there, raiding his fridge.  
To have someone who understood the trauma and pain he had expierienced, for the first time in ages had felt undescribable. A relief. Like for once he did not have to pretend infront of anyone. 

He didnt have to explain the everything about his behavious. Why he always kept doors as open as he could. Why he never spent much time in the bathroom. Or why he always looked away when they were passing room 303. Murphy mabye didnt understood exactly but he knew where Henry was coming from and he knew how to make things as easy for Henry as possible.   
It was scary at some point.  
Mabye, Henry thought, Mabye Murphy was just like that. Analytical. Quick to recognize certain patterns in peoples behaviour. The truth about Henry that had oozed out of every pore of him in their everyday lives, that noone else seemed to pick up. Murphy had done it faster than humanly possible. Henry sure as hell did not mind. He never was the guy to vocalize much of what he wanted and not.  
It wasnt like Henry did not treasure conversation. But even before he had always felt a rift between him and others. And with time had accepted it and succumed to the thought that it wouldnt change with time. As painful as it seemed to others, he learned to find comfort in it.

Of course...It wasnt like Murphy betittled him or anything. It was just the deep understanding of „I don´t like this“ or „I´d rather be somewhere else right now.“ that he got when Henry signalized them in his own way and Henry appreciated everything about that.  
For the first time in a long time, It felt good not to be a mystery to others.  
But even considering all that, He couldn‘t lie when he said that sometimes he wished that it wasn‘t such a one way road.

Pretty early on their friendship, before anything had even had a chance to evolve into what it was now, Henry had realized that Murphy almost never talked about himself. At least not the way Henry whished he would have.  
All of it had taken alot of time and care. Not like Henry who had just started talking like a waterfall as soon as Murphy had confronted him about it.   
Mabye the wounds had been too fresh for Murphy to ask for help. The shame and pain he had felt during his time in Silent Hill had been too new. He still might have had the energy to keep things hidden, unlike Henry who, after all these years, had been nothing but exhausted.   
Or, as much as this possibility stirred a certain nagging feeling inside of Him, Murphy just hadnt been comfortable enough around Henry yet.  
Whatever it might have been... Forced to keep wondering, all these possibilities in mind, their nights had always looked the same, hands clutched around a cup of coffee, sitting in the dimly lighted living room. Henry talking, Murphy listening.  
It had always created a small sense of guilt inside Henrys heart but he had been terrified of asking too much, thinking how it might drive Murphy away. 

Though, eventually things had worked out during a especially rough night. Sitting next to each other at the kitchen counter after 3 am, Murphy had finally bend and for the first time, he had talked about the events in Silent hill. His son, the time in prison, Sewell and even about Frank. It had been the first step they had to overcome as a friendship.  
It had also been the first time Henry had seen Murphy cry.

Probably then mabye even earlier, Henry had fallen for him.

Quietly, Henry slipped under the warm blanket. A Content sight escaped his mouth and he shifted around before he found a moderately comfortable position. As always, lying on the side, hands infront of his face. Staring at the wall next to him but not really seeing anything through the darkness of the bedroom, Henry silently lied there, hearing the sounds of the shower apruptly coming to a halt.

He should have tried to keep it together. Tried to learn from earlier mistakes of falling too hard too fast. But It seemed that the pain after loosing Eileen to Walter had not been enough of a lesson, to teach him, not to commit himself too soon to anyone.  
But by the time he had realized this, it had been too late. And now Henry was paying the full price.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the matress sinking next to him under a big weigh and then strong arms wrapping around him, drawing Henry closer to a warm body. He felt Murphy burying his face in Henrys neck, lingering there for a while before leaving a small trail of delicate kisses down to Henrys shoulders.

It was funny, despite his rough appearance, mainly influenced by his scarred face in relation to his sturdy body, Murphy was an awfully gentle person.  
Granted! There were times he was loud and aggressive. He did have his small outbursts of frustration. Not too crucial, although they did startle Henry sometimes. But they were never directed at Henry and they sure as hell never were enough for him to not see the man Murphy was inside.   
He, who had been through not one but several hells in all different directions still managed to be so caring, so careful. It made Henrys heart practically melt away under their shared blanket.

Murphys arms, previously folded around Henrys torso, entwined. Rough hands, slowly trailed down his waist, sliding under the white pyjama shirt. Teasing fingertips cautiously stroking along Henrys skin, until they were settled on his hips, thumbs brushing over the seam of his boxers as Murphy leaned over to softly kiss Henrys throat, sending shivers down the youngers spine. He swallowed.

Henry understood what Murphy was initiating right now as he further leaned over him placing one hand right next to them, stroking the few strands of hair out of Henrys face and  
looking down with dark eyes.  
„Do you know, you look very beautiful like this?“, he murmured, cupping Henrys, cheek. Henry had turned 34 this year and still when Murphy made small comments like this, he couldnt stop his heart from jumping out of his chest.  
Making a frustrated noise, he turned his head to bury the side of his face into their pillow. Murphy looked down at Henry for a moment before laughing light heartedly and then leaning down to plant a few kisses on Henrys exposed cheek and jaw.  
Playfully upset Henry resurfaced to „warn“ Murphy to stop his advanced this instant. Instead he just saw his lover grinning even harder at the others pouty face and before Henry even could open his mouth, everything he wanted to say was replaced with Murphy´s lips on his.   
The kiss didnt lasted for long, at least not for Henrys taste. And as Murphy broke it off to look at the other with one raised eyebrow and the usual mischevious smile, Henry couldnt afford to care anymore and simply grabbed to others face and pulled him down, back to where they had been before.

Henry did not really remember how their first kiss had happened.   
Albeit he had to admit, he hadn‘t been entirely sober at the time.  
What he did remember was that it had been Murphy to make the first move. Naturally.   
When it came to issues that did not involve Silent Hill, Murphy was a pracitcal man who settled things as directly and honest as possible. Henry envyed him for that. He rather preferred staying away from any kind of confrontation as good as he could. It was easier that way.

During a rather quiet night, after a few bad late night movies and mabye two or three glasses too much, it had happened.  
Or at least it was what Henry was able to recall besides the flashing images of Murphys face close to his and then darkness and the feeling of lips pressed onto his own. Slower and way more hesitating than the way Murphy did it now.

Steadily but passionate, still kissing him, Murphy turned his head to the slight right and buried his Hands deep in Henrys hair. Henry used that opportunity to throw his arms around Murphys neck and with a slight leap (of faith) roll themselves over to the side. However, in the exitement of the momet, he must have misjudged how strong he had moved them because they rolled a little bit too far and now Murphy layed on his back with Henry sitting above him, dangerously close to the edge of the bed.

Slightly confused, but not neccesarily thrown off, Murphy gave the now vaguely embarrased Henry a amused smile:

„Well this is unusual,“, he stated and Henry wanted to sink into the mattress and never return. The unfortunately unfarmiliar situation left him kind of dumbfounded and he had no idea how to restore the mood again.  
„But.“, Murphy unexpectidly sat up, so that Henry pracitcally was on his lap, and brushed over Henrys chest with his knuckles before hugging him closer again,  
„I can´t say It´s bad.“  
Henry gulped. Murphys voice lowering it´s tone, combined with the way he lifted his head, smirking, as his eyes squinted a little bit, made Henry weaker than ever. The former embarassement was soon replaced by the single thought that wherever this night was going to lead them to, Henry wanted to make sure that Murphy was left a mess afterwards.   
Not breaking eyecontact, Henrys hands trailed upwards Murphys body, purposefully brushing his skin now and again, until he settled them on his face to cup his cheeks, 

Murphy smiled as Henry pressed their foreheads together. For a moment they remained like this, Murphy with his hands on Henrys lower back, as they enjoyed the closeness of their bodies, their slowly regulating breath and the scent of each other.

It was almost comical for Henry to think that only a year ago, Murphy had downright refused to sleep anywhere else than the sofa. Even after Henry, in a last desperate attempt to be as obvious as possible without actually saying anything, had bought a new double bed, Murphy had still been absolutely transparent about it. Resting on the living room couch night after night. Until Henry, out of sheer frustration, one day had stepped in the living room and for once spoke out exactly what he wanted and asked Murphy to join him in the bedroom.  
He remembered how Murphy had laid down his book almost immediately and only had said „Finally.“, with a smile of satisfaction on his face before doing exactly as Henry had asked.  
Ever since, the couch had been left empty at night.

„So you´re gonna introduce me to your plan or?“, Murphy interrupted the pleasant silence with a whisper in Henrys ear right before he started to slightly nibble on it´s earlobe.  
Henry tensed up in suprise. „Hey!“, He hissed, sensing that Murphy was defenitely grinning right now,   
„Hm? What is it?“,the other one hummed in content over Henrys reaction and wandered down Henrys jaw with his lips, now and then slightly brushing a few spots of skin.  
Sometimes, especially during moments like this, Henry felt like strangling his fucking tease of a boyfriend but unfortunately he had not yet found a way to do it without ending up alone again.  
Murphy had settled on a spot right between jaw and neck and started to nibble at the thin skin with his front teeth, leaving Henry sighing and to throw his head back a little, giving in.   
He smiled as he felt Murphy starting to suck at the spot.  
„You do realize I have to work tomorrow?“, he laughed and slightly tilted his head towards Murphy satisfiedly looking at the purple spot he had left.  
„Fuck them.“, Murphys whispered and continued a bit left from the other one.  
Henry tensed up as he felt Murphys teeth biting down a bit stronger than before, licking the spots in the process. He leaned back with his head as the other ones grip on him tightened, pushing his neck closer.  
„I think I´d get in trouble if I´d do that.“, Henry breathed in between quiet wimpers  
„Then fuck me, I can assure you, that won´t.“  
As much as The bold statement of Murphy, delivered the way it was with them wrapped around in sheets and bodies closer than ever, let Henry laugh out shortly, it also found it´s way on a mabye just a little lower area than his head.  
And as they loosened their dayworn minds once again in a kiss, Henry did not find another smart word to say for the rest of the night.

Henry awoke only once at night this time.   
It had become hard for him to sleep through the nights. Even with danger and threat that his home had radiated for a long time,gone, it was almost as if Henrys body hadnt left that state of fear at all during the night.  
It was true that having Murphy to cling onto at night had helped immensely, to a point where Henry casually only woke up once or twice now. Henry suggested that a big part of his fear came from the lingering isolation, that his apartement had stood for, during his nightmare experience. Loneliness is fatal to humans in any and many ways.  
Even people like Henry, who for most of the time avoided relationships out of personal reasons, couldnt avoid this fact of life.

Despite his additude, it was clear to him that the best way to heal was through relationship.

Of any kind really.   
Although the one he treasured with Murphy sure was of romantic nature, it hadnt always been, and Henry found the platonic time he had been able to share in no way less significant.  
If anything about Murphy mattered to him, everything did.  
The love and friendship, the conflict, the resolution. There was no part of Murphy that Henry did not found essential to him. It made Murphy seem human. A person Henry could reach and influence.  
A person he could be reached and influenced by.  
As flawed as it appeared to be, Henry preferred it to the undying and unconditional love one would think god has to people. If he was even able to believe in god after all.  
Under a love that never changes and never grows because it simply has no need to, in it´s „flawlessness“, like a wide sky of unreachable lights, Henry felt lost and painfully small. 

But like a coin with two sides, as much as the humanly nature of the way Henry viewed their love, comforted him. It lead to the last and painful conclusion, noone could avoid.

It was all a matter of time.

Carol. That was her name. And Henry had wished he hadnt learned it through Murphy sighing in his sleep.  
They had talked about his wife before, but up until then she had remained nameless. It felt as if Murphy only felt as if it would eradicate the sanctity of their relationship, to say her name out loud, in another way than loving.   
Something that wasnt possible anymore. As now the thought of her brought him nothing but regret and sorrow.  
The fact that their relationship had been as stable as Henry could never achieve it. How much joy and passion had lied inbetween them and yet it had crumbled apart within less than a year.  
It stirred a fear in Henry, he could not begin to describe without breaking into tears. If overwhelmingly eternal love made him feel small. This made him feel microscopic.

And the part of Henrys mind that doubted everything, which, granted, was a part that Henry could not decide if it was bad or good, kept whispering to him at night, and in the morning and in most of the time of the day, in between aswell.

Henry felt that he should know he was nothing but a substitute.

Henry felt that he should know the time he spent with Murphy now, would not last.

That Murphy, even loved as dearly by Henry as he could, might not even be interested in their relationship to grow the way it did with Carol. Probably the worst thing about it was, that Henry couldn‘t bring himself to blame him, if that was the case.

But jealousy and fear of insignificance ate him up from time to time. Henry hated himself for daring to doubt Murphy. But then he hated himself even more for taking the risk and not do so.  
If everything they had done so far would end up to mean such little to Murphy, Henry feared he would be left as the sensitive fool, he sometimes felt he was.  
If everything did matter and even more than expected, it would prove he was a horrible person for even thinking of the possibility of the opposite. The way he could end up hurting Murphy might just drive him insane. Or more precisely, the thought of it.  
Perhaps it was the same case as his time in Silent Hill that let his mind wander into more scary places that Walter Sullivan ever be able to create.  
A lack of reasoning, a lack of prediction.  
Henry felt awfully out of control.

Through the sound of rustling sheets, Henry found his way back to now.   
Murphy must have turned around, he couldnt properly tell through the darkness. He rolled around aswell, now facing the other with his back, breathing in the opposite direction.  
Perhaps he could do nothing but to hope that his doubts only did come from his lack of confidence. That Murphy did love him with as much as Henry was able to.

Sleep. He needed sleep.

 

The morning after might have been a much pleasant one if it wouldnt had been spent mostly by Henry, frantically trying to find a suitable scarf to cover up the many many lovebites that Murphy had covered him with, while the perpetrator sad on the bed, laughing loud and endearing.  
At least as endearing as Henry could find it in his current frustration.   
And mabye just out of a little vicious intent, after finding his scarf, Henry leaned into their common goodbye kiss, only to turn away just as Murphy was about to meet him in the middle.  
„Hey!“, was all Murphy was able to say before Henry casually walked out of the room and closed the bedroom door, leaving Murphy to hear his muffled laughter in the hallway.  
Leaning against one of the scattered pillows, in defeat. Murphy sighed, a little hurt but mostly amused.  
„See you this evening“, he whispered, aware that Henry did not hear it, but hoped he knew anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic as a way to cope with the rejection of someone I loved dearly and still do, last year.  
> Now I´m ending it fearing things anew.  
> I don´t know where my words and thoughts begin and where what I think would be Henrys end.  
> Perhaps they are the same after all. Whatever might be, It felt right while I was writing them still.  
> Hopefully someone is out there to appreciate them. If only one of you readers does. My job will be done.
> 
> Also please take in mind that I am no native english writer, a beta reader was not involved either but I would appreciate any hints to typos or general errors.  
> Thank you


End file.
